Archive for humor

Toddler Files, #4419

Posted in The Toddler Files with tags , , , , on April 10, 2017 by sethdellinger

The three of us were just walking along a sidewalk, and following a brief period of silence, Boy says: “Some animals don’t like potatoes.”

Toddler Files #468

Posted in real life, The Toddler Files with tags , , , on March 28, 2017 by sethdellinger

Under the continuing sub-header Things I Never Thought I’d Say:

“No, honey, you can’t play with your socks in the shower.”

Last-Minute Christmas Gifts You Could Get Me That Would (probably) Not Enrage Me

Posted in Snippet with tags , , on December 9, 2014 by sethdellinger

1.  A shoehorn, large, preferably cherry, with the carved face of a president, preferably Lincoln or earlier.

2.  Really, really dark lamp shades.

3.  A gallon of purest cardamom.

4.  A monocle.  Non-prescription.

5.  Extra-virgin Pepsi.

6.  Hip waders.

7.  Four scalpels.  Don’t ask.

8.  An Etruscan diary.

9.  An honorary degree.

10.  Spanglish rice.

11.  A chimera.

12.  Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap.

13.  Tickets to anything Penn and Teller.

14.  Frank frank bo bank, banana fana fo fank, me my mo mank, FRANK

15.  The sound barrier

16.  A bridge over trouble water and/or the River Kwai.

17.  Mens Rea

18.  Tippecanoe.  And possibly Tyler.

19.  That other dude who’s in The Black Eyed Peas

20.  Nobody puts baby in a corner.

Some nicknames I wouldn’t mind being known as:

Posted in Snippet, Uncategorized with tags , , on September 15, 2014 by sethdellinger
1.  Spittoon Lou
2.  The Absolute Maniac
3.  Chimichanga
4.  The Texas Panhandle
5.  Bose Wave Radio
6.  Bucket o’ Blood
7.  Snubbed by the Oscars
8.  Plantain Plantain
9.  America’s Lapdog
10.  Joseph and the Coat of One Color*
11.  Unnecessary Stitches
12.  Huge Hail Balls
13.  Blogger, Frogger, Central Park Jogger*
14.  Onion Dip
15.  Technical Difficulties
16.  World’s Strongest Hipster
17.  Figgy Pudding
18.  Rolling Brownouts
19.  Dingling Brothers Circus
20.  Michelle Tanner
21.   Crawfish Salad
22.  The Elegant Sky-writer
23.  Pinochle
24.  Sid the Squid
25.  Jailbreak
*must always be said in full

Application to be my girlfriend

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2013 by sethdellinger

Copy the application, and paste in an e-mail, along with your answers, to sdellinger1978@gmail.com.  You will receive a reply within two shakes of a lamb’s tail.

 

1.  What is your favorite season, and why?

2.  Rank the following authors in order of their academic relevance:

–Barbara Kingsolver
–Wally Lamb
–Thomas Pynchon
–Dave Eggers
–Stephen King

3.  Do you think gay people should have the right to marry each other?

4.  Say you and I go out to dinner at a diner.  Not a fancy place, just a straight-forward diner.  The waitress is not a bitch, but she isn’t very nice.  The food comes out on time and is of an acceptable nature.  The bill totals $18.  How much do you tip?

5.  On a scale of 1-10, to what degree would you say you have a “badonk a donk”?

6.  Without using the internet, can you name a poem by Robert Frost? Nevermind, I have no way of knowing if you used the internet.

7.  If you could move anywhere in the world, where would it be?

8.  You can have a full bedroom set made out of walnut or cherry.  Which do you choose?

9.  What is the best shape of pasta?

10.  Do you own any white denim pants?

11.  What is the ideal amount of band members to be in a rock band?

12.  I need lots of my own space and am frequently grumpy and sensitive.  There’s not a question here, I’m just letting you know.

13.  What is the farthest you would drive to see a Revolutionary or Civil War battlefield?  Don’t lie to me about this, I’ll know.

14.  Salt or pepper?

15.  Discuss the last time you thought the Academy Awards got the Best Picture award correct.

16.  If you could choose one animal to represent you, what would it be, and why?

17.  What did you score on the SATs?  I didn’t do that great, I’m just wondering.

18.  Favorite Ninja Turtle?

19.  Can you “do the Carlton”?

20.  Will you shave my neck?

 

Liar, Liar

Posted in Snippet with tags , , on February 14, 2013 by sethdellinger

This is a real article from yesterday’s South Jersey Times.  Every time I read it, I laugh out loud, at almost every paragraph.  The actual event was probably not that funny, but the way the writer chose to word things just kills me.

article

New Euphemisms for Sex That I Just Thought Up Just Now

Posted in Snippet with tags , on September 8, 2012 by sethdellinger

1.  Putting on a Second Coat of Paint
2.  Taking the 6am Flight to Sydney
3.  Re-enacting the Signing of the Treaty of Versailles
4.  Jaming the Toast
5.  Betting on the Jumping Frog
6.  Putting Salt on the Snail
7.  Editing a Microsoft Word Document
8.  Duck Duck Goose Gossage
9.  Inflating the Blimp
10. Throwing Pincher Bugs on the Campfire
11.  Dunking the Ccino
12.  Running Down to First and Feeling Something Burst
13.  Burning Down the Nightclub
14.  Voting for Pedro
15.  Chimmying the Changa

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