What I Think About Myself

If you tried to mug me, I would kick your ass.  I’m not a large man, and I have zero fighting experience.  But there is a flame inside me.  If you stepped to me and tried to fuck with me I could and would absolutely destroy you.

I’m selfish with my time and admiration.  Some folks beg to differ with this appraisal I often offer of myself, but that’s only because I like them, my favor shines upon them.  If I don’t want anything to do with you, I ignore you.  I don’t put this forward as a positive.  It is a negative.  I can’t fix it.

I am confident.  I have bad handwriting.  I can be sentimental. I’m not the sort of man you want on your swim team.  Or your bowling team.  But choose me for your badminton team.

I am a fucking rock star.  When I sit and think silently, or stand to proclaim an idea or opinion, lights should kick on and shine, large backlit projection screens should display artsy images, low rumbling bass-heavy industrial music should start to play.  I am a serious motherfucker.  Some people see me as goofy, or a jokester, or perhaps amiable.  Untrue.  I am a serious fucking rock star who will blow your mind.

That being said, I’m also genuinely hilarious.

I’m a bad housekeeper.  I’m always the first to know when Daylight Savings Time starts.  I’m a hunt-and-peck typist.  I don’t give a shit.

I judge people.  I judge them based on what kind of hat they wear, or how they walk, or what kinds of words they use.  But I have completely erased from my mind and heart all biases based on race, sexual orientation, age, gender, or what-have-you.  One-hundred-percent erased.

No matter how fat I get, or how splotchy my skin is, or how bad my teeth are, I am an attractive man.  There’s just something about my face that you can’t resist, and the way I carry myself.  You can’t get enough.

I am an impeccable driver.


4 Responses to “What I Think About Myself”

  1. Kyle Sundgren Says:

    I share some but not all opinions of myself that you have of yourself. Does that sentence make sense at all? Chief among them is for the love of god DON’T pick me for your swim team either! Your mention of it made me laugh.

  2. I’d bet the vast majority of everybody thinks they’re an impeccable driver. having said that, I have no doubt that you are. to the best of my knowledge, I have never been pulled over, lost, in a wreck, or killed while riding in a car that you were driving.

  3. I love the irony in your ‘impeccable driver’ comment…considering you just recently became carless. I encourage you to reconsider the teeth thing though. Good teeth is important.

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