37 of the Worst Oatmeal Beers

What is up with this trend of inane lists on the internet that have a purposefully odd and senseless amount of items in them?  38 Things White People Don’t Know or 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage or The 42 Most Haunted Places in Ireland.  When they first started popping up, I just assumed the list makers had gotten lazy and didn’t feel like making a list that made it to an even number, but it soon became obvious photo 2that the trend was too prevalent and too consistent to be an accident or a product of laziness.  Something about this odd-number list is a draw to readers–or at least a proven click generator–and I just can’t figure out why.  Why would an oddly numbered list prove to be more attractive to a reader?  Is it just a curiosity thing?  Maybe the number itself jumps off the screen at you more, because our brains are trained to scan past numbers we see all the time, like 10, 20, etc?  No matter the cause, it should surprise nobody that this annoys the shit out of me.  I like my lists nice and tidy with rounded numbers, you know, like you were kind of trying.  And photo 1don’t get me started on the silly, needless lists that this tactic has caused to pop up on my news feed.  Sigh.  I really do kinda hate the internet.  But it’s definitely a love-hate kinda hate.

I still have yet to be able to find any information about those piers in my video on my previous blog.  Of course, I’m just Googling.  Does a more in-depth way of researching things still exist?  Does going to a library and…I don’t know, doing something there increase my likelihood of figuring something like this out?  I mean, not everything is on the internet, believe it or not,photo 3 but I seem to have lost the ability or the know-how to do any research aside from internet searches.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m really good at internet searches, but still…

Sometimes in life you say something, maybe just a few words, a sentence, and you regret saying it.  Even twenty years later, you regret it, and maybe you regret it for the rest of your life.  Because saying something is an action, and maybe something you said hurt somebody, and somewhere deep inside us we know that some things do last forever.  And you wish you hadn’t hurt that person.  You wish you hadn’t said or done the thing.  People love to talk about not having regret, but you do.  You have regret because you’re a human being and having 027regrets is as much an ingrained part of the human experience as pooping, or stretching in the morning, or hating the Pittsburgh Penguins.  You can get into some stupid language game like well to me regret means blah blah blah, but I don’t, I just use experiences to blah blah blah.  Whatever.  Stop watching daytime TV.  Life aint tidy.  Own your regret.

I’m sure glad I stopped drinking before this whole “craft beer” thing started happening.  I certainly would not like these sludgy beasts.  Oatmeal beer and wheaty stuff and dark beers with bits of rice floating in them, or whatever.  Of course, I am sure that many people are constantly forced to pretend to like these things by a photo 4hipsterish peer pressure.  I can tell just by looking at these bottles that these “micro-brews” (once you’re bringing science into beer, you’ve probably lost the plot) are like beer syrup.  They probably make Guinness look like Coors Light.  No thanks.  Thank you, sobriety!

Here is me, looking at The Signer:



2 Responses to “37 of the Worst Oatmeal Beers”

  1. Kyle Sundgren Says:

    I never made note of the numbers featured on lists. To me I just care if the content on the list appeals to me or not. You make a good point about the round numbers being something our brain is trained to skip over. I can see myself totally skipping over something that has a 10 or 20 attached to it, but a 21 really sticks out. The things that trick our mind make me think that lungs are smarter than brains.

    Encyclopedias. That’s what we used to use. You totally seem like a guy who would have a complete set of encyclopedias in an easily accessible and viewable common area of your house. That screams Seth! An old thing that went out of style but can still serve a purpose despite it taking way longer than what we’re used too, that phrase might be your middle name!

    I’ve always been with you on the regret thing. THE GODDAMN REGRET!!!

    Yeah I don’t drink beer too often, but it’s out of control how ridiculous “crafting” has gotten. When I want a beer, I’d like it to taste like beer. I don’t want it to taste like “hops” or “oatmeal” or a man named Samuel.

  2. I kind of find myself hating the internet lately, too. well, maybe just facebook. which, to be fair, should be pared down to ‘some of my friends on facebook’. too often lately I find myself wishing these idiots would pipe down and get off my lawn (so to speak).

    I still prefer the sober life over the craft beer stuff, but I did love some dark beer. but these things are so pretentiously named and packaged! I can only assume that they’re also pretentiously priced. and fruit-flavored beer shouldn’t get to call itself beer or any other thing synonymous with beer. fruit-flavored non-beers are and always will be for pussies and little bitches who annoy reasonable people. like me. or maybe just me, but I doubt it. also, I have a good friend who enjoys his fancy beers, and so if he breaks any of my rules above, well, he gets a pass in my (unwritten) book. but still. talk about suck.

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