Umps, Bananas, Walruses, Oh My!

1.  Animals are funky, am I right?  I mean, giraffes, hippos, fucking walruses.  I mean, what the heck?!

2.  Why are street festivals so entertaining and fun? I mean honestly, most of the time, the things occurring at street festivals are only moderately enjoyable, at best (if there were a funnel cake truck set up on a street corner on a normal day, but not part of a street festival, I dare say a majority of people would walk past it), but when a street is closed off and we give the festival a fun name or theme, people flock to it in droves.

3.  It’s surprisingly easy to forget about the fact that somebody you know has a very unfortunate last name.  I know people with last names like Graves, Tomb, Fish, Hair, and Noseworthy.  (sorry if any of you are reading this)  The first time you meet them or get introduced to them, it strikes you as perhaps odd, and you may think, wow, that last name sucks, but in no time at all, you’ve forgotten the real-world meaning of their name, and it is just…their name.

4.  What is going on with baseball umpires this season?  Until now, they’ve been pillars of self-control and poise, almost like they possessed some kind of super-human ability to not inject themselves personally into the sometimes incredibly monumental events they are a part of.  Now all of a sudden, this season, it’s like an umpire reality show going on. What the heck?

5.  A few days ago, I went in to work on an opening shift (I don’t use the name of my employer online, but I work for a very famous international chain of coffeehouses).  I entered the building at about 5am, turned on all the lights, and walked through the “bar” area (that’s behind the counter) to see how the close had gone the night before.  My gaze swept past the front counter where we sell pastries and assorted other goodies, and I noticed a piece of paper of some kind sitting in the basket of bananas.  I approached it.  It was very unusual.  It was a small envelope with just the word “Banana” written on it.  This is the envelope:


I opened it to find a carefully folded piece of paper, with what appeared to be a handwritten poem addressed to the banana.  Before I show you the poem, I’ll skip to the end of the story: that afternoon, the guy who had closed the night before came in, and I asked him what was up with the envelope.  His response: “Some girl came in, who I’d never seen before (read: not a “regular”) and handed it to me and asked me if I’d give it to the bananas.  She said I could read it if I wanted to, but if I did, I had to read it aloud to the bananas.  I left it here cause I figured you’d get a kick out of it.”


Dear Banana,

I am sorry…we may have to split ways.
You’re delicious and nutritious but as far as
most of us can tell, produced in a world that is

I’ve been asking for a very long time,
why can’t you just grow in my backyard?
Why do you have to travel so far?

Please don’t take offense.  I hope you understand,
it’s not you, it’s my foes.
Oh this is too hard, I hope I am making sense,
it would have been awful for me to live at
your expense.

One Response to “Umps, Bananas, Walruses, Oh My!”

  1. Kyle Sundgren Says:

    Yeah, fuckin’ animals! Most scare the shit out of me. Wonder why.

    My theory, which I’ve thought of from the time I read this, on what makes street festivals so fun is that we’re walking freely on streets where normally you’d be an idiot to pay such little attention to the possibility of being hit by a car. Then you got all these downtown businesses that suddenly have tents and booths in front of them. And port-o-pottys on First Street! Get out of here! I’d buy funnel cake freaking anywhere any time. Try me.

    Last night’s Indians A’s game was some bullshit of an umpire call. A friend of mine might have to check himself into a mental ward for a few days to calm down from the rage it incited in him!

    The person who wrote the banana letter is either insane or artsy. Is there really a difference though? BOOM I JUST BLEW ALL YOUR MINDS! Not really she probably just wanted attention.

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