All the static in my attic shoots down my side nerve.

I struggle with knowing myself.  I try to be a very self-aware human being, understanding any changes I am going through, my motivations, the way I treat other people.  For most of my adult life (or at least my P.S. life [Post-Sobriety]) I have thought I was pretty good at it.  But lately it’s become more and more clear that that was a foolish, illusory notion.  I have only a glancing understanding of what powers me.  The only thing I am sure of is that I am complicated–not simple–and that my motivations and desires are a shifting, fluid grab-bag.  Go figure.

Dear NFL:  I am a somewhat new convert to enjoying your game and your league.  I can still be won over for life, or lost.  I understand your reasons behind your complicated system for which games get televised in which markets.  I get it and I approve; however, I think sometimes you need to just televise the really desired games.  This season, you’ve got a fantastic story in Tim Tebow.  The drama and storybook quality of it has helped reel me in to your league even more this year, but I’ve only been able to follow it via highlight reels, newspapers, and talk radio.  Not a single Denver Broncos game has been broadcast in my area (unless there was a Monday or Thursday game, in which case, I had to work, but still…not a single Sunday game).  Now today, they are playing the Patriots in a game I would very much like to see.   When you’ve got a golden soap-opera opportunity like this one, you should capitalize on it, not make me watch Bengals vs. Rams.  A glance at the games being televised in my area today reveals nary a single game of interest, either nationally or locally.  I understand you want me to GO to the game, but shouldn’t you, secondarily, at least want me to watch?

I note often (in conversation at least, perhaps not online) how surprised I constantly am by how drastically my likes and dislikes are changing over time, as this strange process of aging continues.  There are obvious things such as my taste in music and movies (which is changing more than my public persona admits to; probably my favorite discovery this year has been this).   But even bigger things are changing;  nothing like my basic philosophical outlooks, but here’s a big one:  this year, I don’t really hate winter.  Previously, hating winter has been a large part of the public image I present to the world, and much like any time these large blocks change, I’ve been hesitant to admit to it publicly (people like keeping you the same in their minds), but I can’t deny it any longer.  I am kind of enjoying the frigid darkness.  I’m curious to see if it lasts.

The title of this entry is just a line from a Pearl Jam song that I was listening to today.  It has no significance.

My hometown (OK, my second hometown) of Carlisle, PA is home to something known as the Carlisle Indian School.  In Carlisle, there is a sense of pride concerning our place in history, as the Indian School is indeed more than a footnote in our national history.  It is just recently that I’ve begun to fully comprehend the vile, evil nature of what our nation did with the Carlisle school and other “Indian schools” that came after it.  So I just want to put it out there, now, that I am no longer proud of the Carlisle Indian School.

When I’m really attracted to a woman, I can be viscerally affected by even her handwriting.


15 Responses to “All the static in my attic shoots down my side nerve.”

  1. Kyle Sundgren Says:

    Man, I am sick of Tim Tebow. For some reason I’ve been able to see probably every Broncos game since Tebow took over. Honestly if I was Christian I would probably be a Tebow-type Christian that shoved it down your throat. It bothers me immensely that people are using this shitty QB as reason to really think that Jesus determines the outcome of football games. How fucking selfish are you to think that, by your definition, the greatest entity in the world spends specific time on you to make your score bigger than the other teams. Fuck world hunger, fuck AIDS, Jesus is a Broncos fan because their Quarterback prays a lot. There was a report on ‘Nightline’ a few nights ago about divine intervention being a real thing in football. It makes it all the worse that he is by all accounts very shitty at his job. They got to get spanked today by the Patriots. Bill Maher tweeted yesterday that if the Broncos win he will tweet “Jesus is King”. I can’t wait for next seasons when defenses figure out how to defend him in the fourth quarter and there’s a new debate as to whether he should still be a starter.

    • sethdellinger Says:

      Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m far from a Tebow lover, but one can’t deny that the whole Tebow thing is at least interesting, and I’m annoyed that I can’t at least watch the damn games and at least see him play. Watching highlights isn’t the same as watching a game.

  2. craigdelli Says:

    no matter what sport or entertainment figure uses his religion publicly it always riles me. The implication when you thank God for the touchdown, or home run, or a win, or a Emmy award is that if God picked you as a winner then he obviously chose to pick your competitors as losers. When you do something good, dont dance or point to the heavens. Just have some class and humility,
    The Broncos have a great defense – offense – not so much. I have said since Tebow was in College that he was highly overrated and I still believe that. Never has one with so little ability gained so much fame so fast. I dont thionk he will even be in the NFL a year or 2 from now.

    Having said all of that, I will most likely be watching the game today.

    • sethdellinger Says:

      Oh I definitely agree with everything you said, Dad! And it is those things that make this so damn interesting! It’s not just another quarterback…just about everyone has strong feelings about him. And this week he will probably lose!! So why is the game not televised nationally??? And it’s not like they are showing any of our local games instead, they are blacked out this week! The NFL should start showing the games people are REALLY interested in, at least this late in the season.

      • Kyle Sundgren Says:

        They do it so you get frustrated and say, “that’s it! I’m getting the NFL Sunday Ticket package!”. Five years from now local channels will only air pregame warmups from the least interesting game of the week. Then when the game starts it will be infomercials until the game is over then you’ll get wall to wall highlights to see what you missed.

        • sethdellinger Says:

          Yeah I know part of it is to get people to get the Ticket, but that’s just not going to work on me. I’m just not ever going to get it. But if the league could make me a bigger fan, they might generate more revnue from me down the road, from merchandise and game tickets. But with my favorite teams not in the playoff hunt, their goofy TV schedule only lessens their chances of making any money off me at all.

  3. craigdelli Says:

    I do not understand blacking out this game either. I agree with you – love him or hate him, almost everybody wants to see him play. I think the NFL could get tons of new fans if they televised today to everybody.

    • sethdellinger Says:

      Oy. Where’s baseball????

      • sethdellinger Says:

        Also, I should note that, despite my feelings on religion and religious folks, I often find myself rooting for Tebow to win—it’s just a much more interesting story. I find football, more than the other major sports, to be somewhat soap opera-esque. It’s probably the most interesting, yet I am the least personally invested in it. I was much less devastated when it became clear the Eagles sucked than if it had happened to the Phillies or Flyers. Hence, with the NFL, I am much more inclined to root for “interesting”.

  4. strange…i have liked winter more this year, too. we are psychically connected.

    • sethdellinger Says:

      haha yes, that is the most plausible explanation. Personally I feel it is probably a defense mechanism. If I kept hating it as much as I had, I would probably become *actually* depressed.

  5. craigdelli Says:

    just realized that I also do not get the broncos game on my cable today. ):

  6. What do you think about my handwriting?

  7. I agree that it takes that separation to really see what the Indian School is all about. Not much to be proud about.

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